It's late, I'm tired and just slightly frustrated over the new direction my life is going.
I can't escape it, everything I hear, see, smell, reminds me of it. I drive the same way home each afternoon and my eyes glaze over as I pass familiar parks, familiar places we used to go, places where we used to be happy.
What went wrong? What always goes wrong? I don't even know anymore.
The worst part? I like it when he is over here. I like it that he sleeps on my floor several nights a week to spend time with the kids. Am I afraid of the unknown? Hell yes I am. I am afraid of what that means. Afraid that for the first time in my life, I don't have the answers, or the direction.
If I sound confused it's because I am and more confusing than my confusion, is that he is confused too. Yet here we are, on a road to divorce after 10 years together and yet we still hang out like old friends.
There are nights when I think this is the right road, the road that's meant to be. I am 28 years old, I have a ten year old and a four year old but I still have my whole life ahead of me. And then there are nights like tonight when I sit here yelling "This is Not Happening" on the inside.
I don't know how to stop loving someone who has left me, someone who would stay if I asked him too. So I am just going to wake up tomorrow and live my life and see where it takes me because in the end, it's all I can do.
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Not all journeys end in lovers meeting. Sometimes the lovers have to start again.
4 comments:
It's alright, you don't need to bash him. I will do that for you. I'm sorry you're feeling bad. I don't have experience with this, but I can wager that the days will get easier once more of them go by.
You are a great friend and I love you for taking the time to leave me a comment. Thanks girly. It brought a smile to my face.
Sometimes, even when life is at its most confussing stage, and depending on the kind of person you are, Confussion acts as the drive to figure out your way out of it, and actually climbing on top of other hills you hadn't climbed before.
I certainly have not been thru a divorce, but I relate to being in a situation there's not a sane outing from.
The only thing that I can tell you is that this too shall pass, and in the way you have the opportunity to learn all the things from you that you had never seen cause a situation like this is bound to not only bring out the bad, but also the good, and you should be ready to digest because maybe this could be the start of something that could turn your life around and not necessarily for the worse.
Siempre hay esperanza.
Tiff,
First... I love you and that will never change.
Second... There is no use in asking what went wrong, because choices happen, life happens...
The only think you can do to retaliate, is to not give up, and live it harder. We only get one, but if we live right, one is enough.
And remember... When life gives you lemons, throw them at Garrette. I mean... you take the sourness, but you also get the antioxidant power!
We can't every know why things happen, choices and motives are AsAs ambiguous and opac as life itself.
Youre my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey...
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