How is Garrett doing?

"How is Garrett doing?"

It's a question I've heard a lot these past few days and I get it, I do. Of course friends and family would want to know. They care, and that's beautiful.

It's just that it's messing up our carefully constructed bubble of pretending none of this is happening. I know how completely selfish and horrible that sounds, and I know that when we post on Facebook or blog about it, it's kind of inviting the question.

So I want anyone who reads this to read what I am about to write, but also ignore what I am about to write, because what is most important is that you care and that you check on him, because that's what you're supposed to do and we're supposed to let you.

If I said he was fine I would be lying. He has a lot of trouble sleeping and the symptoms of whatever this is are not going away. We're scared. We don't show it because we know then you will be scared and we're not sure we can handle that fear compounded with our own.

This past weekend we had a cookout with friends and family and it was a way to just be normal for awhile, a way to not think about anything. I didn't realize that our friends and family would want to talk to us in person about what is happening, and tell us they were thinking/hoping/praying for us. I talk about it online because it's easy. It's just words. When I have to talk about it in person, that's very different. In person I have to face it. I have to look at you and see that look of concern, and I have to try and not look so scared. I wasn't prepared for that this past weekend. I found myself brushing off your comments and smiling and moving the conversation on to something else and I didn't realize until later that I was doing it. Looking back, I feel bad because I know you needed to get out your feelings too.

My mom dropped by my office this morning and brought me a gift, and it's amazing and I love her for it, but she asked what time Garrett's MRI is tomorrow morning. I found myself shutting her down almost immediately. My whole demeanor changed because I just couldn't deal. I couldn't get her out of the office fast enough and that is terrible. It's what forced me to sit down and write this because I feel like if I don't get it out of me, it's all I will think about.

I want you to continue asking about him and thinking about us, and I will continue posting updates. I just want you to know that I am sorry if you talk to me and I am not quite with you. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's that my defense mechanisms are in full-gear right now and I'm hiding behind some pretty high walls.