To Build a Home

Betrayed.

I feel...betrayed.

It has taken me long enough to feel it. First came shock and disbelief, then an overwhelming and heart breaking sadness that took the breath out of my lungs leaving me stinging and bleeding on the inside. Next came acceptance and indifference. After the fifth month, came hope. A renewed spirit to fight, to not give up, to hold on for all that holding on was worth.

The only problem with holding on, is when someone else lets go.

Then came betrayal, so strong that it welled in my gut and rose into the back of my throat. Hurt, anger, fear, pain, all rolled into one strong and life draining emotion.

December 25th, 2008.

Christmas had never been so sad before.

I stayed in, refused to answer the phone, to check email, to venture outside. It was as if I stayed in my room long enough, all of the problems in my world would solve themselves leaving me to just simply be.

And now, I feel it. Betrayal. Had I not bore his children, I might be less upset. Somehow the thought of going through immeasurable pain to bring new life into the world, his life, has left me on fire inside.

"I could stay with you." He offers, as though that were what he really wanted.

Staying or going, our lives had changed and today we made one last attempt to take the pieces and try to form a somewhat recognizable life. If we were working too hard at it, no one felt the need to tell us, just as no one has felt the need to advise us to let go. Stepping into someone else's marriage to offer advice as heavy as staying or going, is not what the general public sets out to do after their morning read of the paper and a cup of coffee with toast.

"So you went hiking. Did it solve anything?" She wrote, seeming genuinely concerned for my mental state.

"I think it solved the uncertainty." I typed the words, taking a moment to fully understand their meaning. "I gave him till morning to change his mind, his heart...though I don't think he will."

I waited a few moments for her to answer, trying to imagine what she was thinking.

"I don't think so." Was her simple reply and I knew she was right.

I wanted him to love me, not just be with me out of some misguided sense of duty. I wanted him to love me in that earth shattering, life altering cross the heavens and the earth for me love and if he didn't have that then I didn't want him. I heard voices echoing in my head that it was childish of me to wish for something so outlandish.

I reminded myself that I had spent my entire life wishing for outlandish things and built my life around making them happen. As a tiny child I would stare at the heavens at night and believe that I was not alone, that thousands of other people were staring at the same heavens, wishing and hoping and searching for the same things. I believed in that love then and I believe in it still.

I had spent years wanting to build a home and so I did. People in the home may grow and change, come then leave, it may not be perfect or always peaceful and it may tire and fill with sadness from time to time but it's mine and it is what I make it. All it takes is turning on a light to chase the shadows back to their corners, enjoying what time I have with those in it and choosing to let happiness replace sadness. It's a conscious choice, to build a home but it's as effortless as breathing because I choose for it to be.

On this night, I choose for my home to be happy, for myself to be happy regardless of anyone else's choice.